Stumbling Blindly Through Life
I'll dance away this madness and drink away my soul. Smoke away the memories and wait til the grave comes to take hold. So paint a pretty picture of the life you choose to lead. And hide away the memories that are left of me. Pull a little closer to the warmth that you own. And I'll drift a little farther in the coldness all alone.
Splendid is the memory, that puts dreams upon your face. And broken is the heart of mine, for those who take those dreams away
Lost

BROKEN INSIDE
Become Part OfThe Madness
DreamsofDimentia
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Name: Kelly
Location: Illinois, United States
Birthday: 3/24/1980
Gender: Female


Interests: I Like Reading, Writing, Riding Horses, and anything to do with animals. My favorite poets are Poe, Dickenson, and D.H. Lawrence if I ever give one tenth of inspiration to anyone like they have given me, then I am one of the luckiest people in the world.
Expertise: Spiritually connected with animals.img


Message: message me


Member Since: 3/8/2003

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Sunday, May 13, 2007

Honor bound and lost in thought
we walk these roads alone
Pondering in silent mystery
wanting someplace to call home
Ever had a moment
and in that time that passed
You wondered in vague detachment
if anything would last
smile at the sunshine
catch the glittering rainbow
Dance in summer raindrops
and upon you i will bestow
We'll sing the morrow in
Laugh the trill of birdsong
smell the earth erupt in life
and think we can do no wrong



Monday, May 07, 2007

Hey all,
Well I'm on a countdown to getting back into my house.  I am going to miss the internet soooo much.  I'll still get to play around on it but not like I've gotten used to.  Which means that I need to motivate my ass into making some money on a regular basis.  My mother is talking about getting the kids' room painted before we move back in.  Which is fine with me as long as we get it done soon.  I am somewhat eager to live in my house again.  Sleep in my bed.  Not have to wake up and hear what list of chores my mother has decided needs to be done by me.  Too bad my nosy and annoying neighbors haven't decided to move.  It does figure though that I picked a house that is surrounded by neighbors that don't know how to mind their own business.  One of the many reasons why I dislike city life. 
    I have also come to the conclusion that the kids are old enough to play by themselves outside.  I still want to check on them every few minutes.  But that is just because I'm scared they will get hurt.  Or that they will annoy the neighbors.  How to explain to a 6 and 5 year old that someone might not want to play with them is nearly impossible.  But then I know that the other children will teach them better than I can.  I will just have to be there when someone's feelings get hurt.   
    I can't wait for the garage sale's to get going.  There are a few things that I really would like to find.  Like a new entertainment center.  I'm not sure how many of you have seen my Entertainment center but I swear the thing is looking more like the leaning tower of Pisa everytime I look at it.  I just hope it will hold up until I am able to replace it.  My VCR bit the dust finally too.  I am amazed that it lasted that long personally.  I've had it since I was 16 and it was my parents old one then.  I fixed it because it didn't work but I don't know if I can fix it this time.  I don't even know if its worth it.  I mean they only cost like twenty bucks now. 
    Hmmmm.. OH... For those of you that play WOW I apologize now for not being on.  I haven't had the time to play lately.  What with trying to get everything set up so I can move back into the house.  It has been hectic and by the time night falls I am to drained to play.  Once I get a job and start making some money, I'll hopefully be able to afford an upgrade on my pc and get internet access at home.  I think thats about all that has been going on lately.  I'm sure their is more but I can't think of it right now.  so I'll talk to ya all later.


Tuesday, April 03, 2007

69 Questions

:

69 Questions. More interesting than most

1. Initials: K.J.P

2. Name someone with the same birthday as you: My mom

3. When was your last kiss?: this morning

4. For or against same sex marriage?: I don't care, I don't think I have the right to tell anyone how they should or shouldn't live their live's

5. Are you homophobic?: No, but it does bother me somewhat when people decide to try to make me uncomfortable like frenching or groping in front of me, but then that goes for same-sex or opposite-sex relations.  I just think it is rude.

6. Are you bisexual?: No

7. Do you believe in God?: My own... Yes

8. How many US states have you been to?: ok, i think 24,Indiana, ohio, pennsylvania, maryland, west virgina, virginia, north carolina, south carolina, kentucky, tennessee, georgia, florida, alabama, michigan, wisconsin, iowa, missouri, nebraska, colorado, wyoming, south dakota, arkansas, oklahoma, oh and i've been to washington d.c. but thats not really a state.  and of course illinois

9. How many of the US states have you lived in?: three, Illinois, Florida, and Virginia


Have you ever lived outside the US?  No. I have really wanted to but never have as of yet



1. Name something you like physically about yourself:  I like my eyes the best


12. Name something non-physical you like about yourself: ummm... ability to smile in the face of pain.  ability to pretend everything is ok when inside I am torn by the hate you have shown me


13 What is the current rumor traveling about?: lol, ummmm.. i don't get around much and hear less of rumors.  but i would say the fact that Jen supposedly plays World of Warcraft but we are uncertain about what server she plays on.  What i really want to know is do you play horde or alliance jen?  Or do you play both because you don't give a shit about petty ingame disputes and play to play. oh wait did i say that out loud?  :)>


What is your dream car?:  that one is easy...  Ford Probe..lol thought it would be something fancier didn't ya

 If you could go anywhere in the world, where would it be?: Scotland and Australia.. but then I am going to see the whole world someday when the kids are grown..

16. Have you ever had someone of the opposite sex over at your house while your parents were gone?:  of course, I have always had friends that were male as well as female.

17. How many concerts/shows have you gone to?: Yay... one :)>  trick pony for concert.. ummm shows.. does that include plays?  I've been to see Wicked.. which was Awesome totally loved it. i've also seen Phantom of the opera in chicago.  i've been to a few minor plays put on my JJC..  Don Quixote..  a few others too.

18. Do you download music?: nope

How many illegal things have you done? LOL yeah, like i can remember how many illegal things i have done.. technically ummm.... crap ok, 3 major one.. drinking and driving.. which i did once a long time ago and deem never to do again.  Smoking Marijuana and all the illegal things that go along with that... like possession and a bunch of other bullshit, and three would be stealing which i got caught doing when i was young.   but the stupid illegal things that everyone has done once like jaywalking, underage smoking, driving without a seatbelt.. crap like that  i think this is a sorta stupid question.  like anyone can remember all the illegal things they have ever done and not have it come out like a book is nuts.

20. Where would you want to go on a first date? considering that i don't go out on first dates anymore this is a loaded question.  I will answer where i would want to go out next.   Joe's crab shack.. i have a thing for crab legs and lobster


22. Has anyone ever sang or played for you personally?: yep many times

23. Ever been kissed under fireworks?: yes

24. Do you like President Bush?: I refuse to answer any politcal questions.. i plead the fifth 

25. Have you ever bungee jumped?: Nope

26. Have you ever white-water rafted?: No, but i've been white-water canoeing when i was six or seven.. it was a blast

27. Have you ever kissed two people in one night? intimately.. no.. casually of course i have two kids they demand kisses at there leasure

28. Has anyone more than 10 years older than you hit on you?: LOL, i worked at a hotel and yes.. many times

29. Are you interested in anyone right now?: yah, my husband and my kids

30. What song are you listening to right now?: i would have to say the themesong to stargate sg:1 since that is what is on the tv

31. What is your current favorite band/rapper?: Def leoppard

32. What was the last movie you watched?: The NeverEnding Story II

33. Who was the last person that told you they loved you?: Meagan my youngest

34. Where was the last place you went besides your house?: Walmart

35. Have you ever vandalized someone elses property?: no

36. Has your property ever been vandalized?: not yet

37. What do you like most about your friends?: They are understanding about the choices i make and are supportive

38. Are you hungry right now?: nope

39. Whats the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?: attitude, I don't give a shit about looks its all in how you act and who you are on the inside.  most of the cute guys i have met are assholes.  they are cocky and know they look good and will cheat on you in a heartbeat.  I mean who would want to honestly be tied down to someone unreliable

40. What really turns you on?: certain smells, i guess some would be pheramones because Ira always smells good to me and anything romantic. like candles and champagne or even the touch of a finger sliding along my jaw and over my lips... oh have i told you that reading certain things does too :)>.. now i wanna go play with ira  hehe

41. What do you usually order from Dunkin Donuts?: ewww there coffee sux.  i don't really go there and can prolly count the times on one hand.  i would get a bavarian cream donut though if i was there.

44. Say something totally random about yourself? I am blessed

46. When was the last time you stayed up all night?: hmm.. sunday night ..  i'm always afraid i won't wake up to the alarm so I stay up sometimes. especially when i am really tired i know its weird but i end up sleeping so deeply i don't wake to alarms

47. Do you still watch kiddy movies or tv show?: Hell yeah, that is what i watch the most when i watch tv.  kiddie shows rock man

48. Do you have braces?: no

49. Are you comfortable with your height?: NO, i wanted to be short

50.What's the last thing you said?: "NO, i wanted to be short", lol i tend to say things out loud alot when i am alone :) other than that i just told the kids to stay on the porch because it is getting ready to storm and they keep wanting to play out in the yard

51. When do you know it's love?: when I started seeing the future with Ira in it and couldn't see a future without him.  when i yearn and long to be with him.  when i just want a touch, a hug, a look. 


52. Do you speak any other languages besides Engish?: not fluently.. i speak a smattering of other languages but nothing very useful

53. What kind of alcohol do you enjoy while out?: well since i don't get out that much.. especially to drink. i usually have a mike's of some kind and if i'm going to get drunk i do shots.. 


54. What magazines do you read?: whatever comes in the mail

55. Have you ever ridden in a limo?: Yes

56. Has anyone you were close with passed away?: Yes

57. What are you doing tonight?: making ira coffee at 7:25 in hopes that he has his alarm set for 7:30. then seeing what he has planned. prolly cuddling a bit on the couch if he watches tv.  putting the kids to bed later then maybe playing World of Warcraft or reading. depends on the time and how tired i am


58. Whats something that really annoys you?: People that judge me without ever trying to get to know ME. and those that jump to conclusions and think the worst without getting all their facts. which means they don't look at both sides before they leap.

59. Whats something you really like?: except for the lack of money... my life 


60. Do you like Michael Jackson?: not really

61. Have you ever surfed?: no but i will someday

62. Favorite food?: soup, crab legs, lobster, smoked salmon, beef jerky, steak, artichokes.. i have so many i can't possibly name them.. lets just say i like food

63. Do you drive?: yep

64. Whats the latest you have ever stayed up?: ummmm.. didn't we have this question a bit ago?  latest i've stayed up.. hmmm.. i think it was over 48 hours  almost three days but ended up passing out when i sat down to watch a movie. i was 16 i think

65. Have you ever thought you were honestly going to die? yes a few times.. most recently when i flipped the 4-wheeler and flew through the air.  i landed on the ground and twisted to look at the quad as it was rolling down the hill towards me.  i thought" I'm going to die.... wait what happens if i do this?" and i proceeded to go with instinct and catch the 4-wheeler with my left foot because my right shoe got lost somewhere in the fall. the wheel stopped a few inches from my chest.  then i tried to push it off of me and realized how heavy a 4-wheeler is.heheh.... thankfully i somehow raised it a few inches and manuevered myself out from under the tire.  then i gambled on the fact that the bottom wasn't gonna sear my skin and slowly let the quad down.. then with my left leg pressed to the ground against my body up by my shoulder i somehow turned over and pulled myself out from under it.  thats when my brother ran out the back door. figures huh.   nobody around until after you get yourself out of a fix.  i'll tell ya though my left knee hasn't been the same since. i think i did something to it.


66. Were you ever rushed by an ambulance into the emergency? yes, once when an idiot teenage driver wasn't paying attention and rammed into the back of the car my mom was driving because we were turning.  I was pregnant with Meagan but thankfully my mom saw it coming and let her foot off the brake so the impact wasn't as bad.  but i think what really saved up was the spare tire in the trunk.  when the SUV hit us the trunk buckled and the tire took most of the hit and popped out of the trunk.

Whos your lover?: the love of my life. my husband


68.What time is it? 6:13pm

69. Was this fun for you?  I guess so, except for the numerous interuptions by various family members and the fact that my pc is being funky and trying to erase everything instead of typing before it, it keeps trying to type over the words. i dislike that very much :)>


Friday, January 26, 2007

Sanguinity

Sanguine moments through heartfelt cries
rippling disbelief from all your lies
tattered shreds of a broken heart
misery abounds from what you did start
I cry tears for you
whispers of the rain
and it broke my heart
that you didn’t feel the same
I rejoiced in love
but you cut the cord to soon
and everything I have ever known
was thrown out like an over-played tune
Drowning in the moments
of agony, deceit and misery
forgotten are the heartfelt times
when I thought you loved me for me
and now I steel myself
shut out the bitter memories
paste a sickly smile upon my face
and hope to god that no one sees
my aching bleeding broken heart
torn inside out and scattered on the muddied turf
with so much turmoil amassing within myself
it is a wonder that you can’t see all this hurt
but now I’ll creep off quietly
the last tear slipping down my face
I’ll see you later... no..
I’ll think I’ll just go and leave not a trace
of the disaster of my life
of the cloying innocence that I could not hide
Of the me that you never did see
because I was the one who truly lied


Ok, I'd just like everyone to know that this in No way is reflecting any part of my life.  It truly was not a personal poem.  I had read this sad book and my mind wanders and so I write.  I'll admit it isn't a recent writing either.  I tend not to get on Xanga much anymore.  I've neglected a lot of socializing and I apologize.  I don't know if everyone gets them but I get this urge every once in a while to withdraw and be alone.  I think its when I'm under stress I tend to withdraw into myself and sneak off for a while to regroup.  See ya all later


Wednesday, August 23, 2006

school

Ok, so I enrolled Caity a few weeks ago for kindergarten.  Not so hard and it was kind of weird.  I mean I always thought that I would not have a mid-life crisis when I turned thirty.  but then I got to thinking about Caity being in school.  For a brief minute i was totally daunted with the prospect that i have a child in school.  It doesn't seem like that much time has passed.  I overcame it and shoved that feeling aside.  But then i thought hell, if i get this feeling just because my oldest started school what's going to happen when I actually start hitting age mile markers?  Hopefully i'll just take it all with a grain of salt.  Hopefully. 
  Then Caity was supposed to start school today but unfortunately Caity and Meagan decided to play in the weeds.  Pick some plants and make nests out of them.  Not knowing that they were picking and rolling in Leatherwood.  A plant that causes contact dermatitis.  SEVERE Contact dermatitis.  So their faces are swollen and their bodies are covered in blisters and they itch.  :(  it sucks.  Unbeknown to me that this plant is growing under my front porch.  When i went to look up online what you can do about it.  If there was any information on the plant that might help cure it faster.  I get garden and nursery adds telling me to buy and plant leatherwood today.  none of them mentioning the fact that the plant itself is highly poisonous and causes severe swelling, itching and blisters.  One mentioned that you get a slight rash that will clear up in a few days.  obviously that person didn't have it afflict their children.  because mine scratched and spread it.  and i couldn't get them to stop scratching.  they even did it in their sleep.  Their faces are swollen and you wouldn't think it was the same children.  but they feel fine and are as rambunctious as ever.  they just say it itches.  So all in all, Caity is missing her first week of school because of this.  it is highly contagious too.  i have it on my arm now where Caity laid on me.  They ended up sleeping with me because Ira was at work and i was worried that the rash might spread and infect their breathing.  i was more comfortable having them close so i could monitor their progress.  I took them to the ER yesterday and now have Cortocosteroids to give them.  Which i'm not to happy with but it will make them well faster.  So hopefully Caity will be cleared up by Monday so she can go to school.  She is sooooo excited and I've been working with her to make sure she is up to date on what she will need to know.
    so far she knows and can identify all of her abc's, she knows all her colors and all primary shapes.  she does mazes and connect the dots.  i have her doing simple math, although i haven't had her do it on paper yet.  I've been working on sight words with her.  she writes her name and she can also write meagan's.  She can tie her shoes although they aren't tied tight yet but that will come in time.  but i would say that she should be ready. 
but that's all i gotta say just thought i'd give everyone an update. 



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